do i? don't i?

an indecisive twenty something

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Today I am just in a super state of shock. A girl who I used to be best friends with, along with Laura since high school has announced that she is expecting today.

I can’t help but sit and wonder why she stopped talking to me and Laura. It’s upsetting because I would love nothing more than to be there for her. Hmm.

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Everyone I know is settling down!

Babies amd rings everywhere I look at the moment! And here we are in the middle of a career crisis!

It’s just lucky that I have my Weight Loss Practitioner Course to take my mind off of it all. Finding it so interesting. And I have my first dementia session in Headingley on Tuesday!!

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When you spend the afternoon running around after your boyfriend….then he gets a grump on because, me being banished to the bedroom and watching Youtube because he’s got a new PS game, knocks the internet off intentionally (obviously) so that he loses his game.

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Trying to grow my nails slightly. I need Shellac back in my life….and working next door to a cute little salon is not helping. Someone lend me twenty to get them done!!

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When you stop off on your way home from your bests house to get migraine tablets……and leave with 3 new blu rays, 5 bottles of Imperial Leather bubble bath, a pack of white chocolate pancakes and 5 rhubarb and custard car smellies.

I love late night Asda trips. Cheap stuff to help with my grief over the loss of our Saturday night haunt. A place of memories of following the singer of The Audition round, meeting band memver after band member, sweating out approximately ooooh 8 litres of sweat and drinking far too many Jagerbombs. Cockpit. Thou shalt be missed.

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Jon can be a sweetheart sometimes. After not sleeping for over 36 hours due to migraines and headaches caused by stress, he pretty much carries me to bed, undressses me then gets me in my night clothes and tucks me in with Sir Fizz and Sully.

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I’ve recently been very lost and not feeling like myself.

Since starting this job I’ve become a bit of a shell of what I used to be. This move was meant to be one of gaining confidence and making moves forward and I actually feel like I’ve taken abouy 4 steps backwards in life.

Anybody would say that I’m crazy for complaining that I literally sit from 9-5:30 everyday doing minimal work, but the matter of fact is I hate it. I hate not having the ability to organise as I go, to have separate, yet matching folders; to have trays and drawers so that I know what I’m doing and when I plan on doing it.

I’ve definitely hit the point in life where I am literally stuck and lost and really do not know what to do with my life. My problem is that I crave learning; I’m always wanting to learn more or learn about how something else works. I crave lessons and work and papers and deadlines. I don’t have this anymore….and I literally am no longer the same person. I feel awful because I’m losing confidence by the hour, I’m losing faith in my abilities and there’s not a thing I can do about it at the moment. I don’t answer texts anymore because I don’t know what to say to people and just don’t have the want to even act happy or jolly when responding.

I need to do something spontaneous. ..but when you’re settled in a relationship and have a house and family that rely on you spontaneity goes out the window. The last time I hit a rut I bought a 1 way ticket to France and stayed there for a fortnight chilling in the mountains, riding horses around the French countryside for hours a day and eating cheeses that we had clambered into caves to find. I went exploring around derelict churches that were unstable yet incredibly beautiful, I endured French railway journeys and went to cowboy rodeos and drunk wine for breakfast. If only I could do all of that again.

I need to find my niche. I’m quite worried that its been staring me in the face since being a youngster.

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Those nights where you just have to leave super early because you can no longer keep your eyes open.

All because your boyfriend woke you up at 6am on a Saturday when you have only had between 1 and 3 hours sleep each night this week.

Now somebody is mardy at me.